musings of a boy

Reflections

Dark stormy nights with starless skies make me sad.

I just looked up at the sky and it was black, pitch black not a single star in sight. I never felt so alone before. Here I am, one small boy looking up at the heavens and it was empty. I looked all around me and all I saw was darkness, emptiness, loneliness.

The enormity of the day hit me like a brick wall. I am standing on the threshold of manhood, soon in a matter of hours I will be a man, no more a boy.

Somehow though I feel the boy in me died a long time ago. I killed him off, I killed the idealistic boy who so believed in the goodness of people, who believed in the sacredness of love, who sincerely believed that the truth would always prevail, that good always triumphed over evil. Yes many of these beliefs are idealistic and at times impractical but this was me, it defined me. Now I have no idea who I am anymore.

I have for the last couple tried to fill the mould everyone created for me, the rich kid, the playboy, the party animal and whatever so. But then am I really this person or have I forced myself to fit this mould cause it was the 'cool' thing to do? And have I in the process loss my identity, or is this really who I am?

I guess besides the party, turning 21 is a time of self reflection. I hope I can somehow sort out my life and find the real me soon. Luckily I have a lot of time the next couple of months, before uni, to think reflect and pray. Pray yes that is very important, somehow in the last couple of years I have been so caught up in being popular, in being the 'cool', 'happening' one, I have the neglected the most important person in my life, God.

I also need to start spending more quality time with my family. I have taken their love and kindness for granted, I know that no matter how big a jerk I am they would never abandon me, unlike friends. I am really sorry to them especially my mum for the way I have been acting lately, I have neglected the people who truly love me unconditionally.

Well looks like turning 21 is going to be an interesting time in my life to say the least.

Oh but before I forget I'd like to thank all you guys, for making the effort to come down on Wed, it really means a lot to me. A friend told me that I wouldn't miss her if she didn't come, but nope, each and everyone one of you guys hold a special place in my heart and I'd like to share this day with you'll.

posted by vignesh @ 10:09 PM