Happy Me?
We are all different and the experiences we go through, the way we are brought up shapes us into the people that we are. You have your beliefs and your morals do not impose them on others. You are totally entitled to them and we ours just as much. You make it sound like I have no morals what so ever. My parents brought me up to differentiate right from wrong and surprise I still go to church and learn things everyday. I am not perfect I give you that much but neither are you. So stop fucking judging me you are no better than me, you are just different.
'Let he who has no sin cast the first stone'
None of you'll have lived my life. I hear it so often ' Wow vig you are so lucky you have such a great life '. Well trust me you do not even know the crust of it. I do not expect anyone to really understand cause I do not tell you'll about a lot of stuff. I hope you can appreciate that and understand that there are many more underlying reasons for the choices I make in life. I am not justifying what I do cause I don't owe anyone an explanation since I do not feel I am doing any wrong. I am different and I live my life differently but I am still happy, even if it's fleeting. Life is so painful at times that I try my best to embrace happiness at any opportunity I can.
'In life we all face our share of trials and tribulations, how we handle them differentiates the boys from the men'
I was digging through some stuff in my room and stumbled upon a collection of old pictures. Slowly I looked through them the happy times, the good friends, the dear loves and yet somehow behind those smiles I saw a boy, a boy trying so hard to find his calling in this world.
As I have grown I have tried hard to find out who it is I really am. I read in a friend's blog recently about us wearing mask and not being comfortable with the person we really are. That got me thinking about whether we really wear a mask out of our insecurities or out of necessity. You see I realized something recently I serve a different function to different people in my life. To my boss I am a diligent personal assistant, to my drinking pals a party animal, to my parents a filial son and so on and so forth. Am I wearing a mask then to my parents when they don't get to see the drinking champ in me, or my friends when they don't know the diligent and hardworking clerk? I keep my relationships independent, I give to each one what they want out of me. That makes them happy and I find peace of mind and joy in knowing that.
Sometimes I wonder if I have a split personality but I doubt it cause I know as a whole I am a complete person. All the different 'mask' I wear make me the person that I am. I have found it challenging at time juggling between these. I am on some levels sick and tired of it. I am a person, a holistic one with his flaws and all. I guess my family know me best probably having seen most sides of me. At the end of the day I hope someone can appreciate all the 'mask' that I wear but I think that will be hard. Cause I myself cant love all the roles I play.
At the end of the day I realize I got to change certain aspects of my life. I hope I can do that along the way.
Maybe 20 yrs down the road, when I look at the photos I took, I wont see a boy lost, but rather a man who lives his life with purpose and meaning.
Looking Back Towards Tomorrow
'Every man dies, but not every man really lives'
One day I will lie in my coffin this mortal life of mine having come to an end. I just wonder if that instance would be now this very moment, would I have really lived my life?
I look back at my life with a bitter sweet smile. I have had many painful experiences some brought upon by others but many the work of my own hands. I look back at these with the benefit of hindsight and realize my stupidity. Yet despite this realization I still cling on so dearly to some of these habits, old habits die hard I guess. I want to let go off them but somehow the fear of the unknown is greater than the remorse of indulgence.
I look back at the friends I've had. I have on many instances fallen short as a friend, letting my friends down, not being there when they most needed me. To all of you'll I am sorry, I will try my best again. Yet there have been those whom I have gone out of my way to help and be a good friend only to have them turn around and stab me oh so painfully. Most importantly to my closest and dearest friends know this that I really love each and everyone of you'll and you each hold a special place in my heart, an irreplaceable place.
The most important people in my life, my family. The happiest and saddest times I have had in my life thus far have been with these people, those I love more than life itself. As I reminisce I regret so much all the times I have caused my parents grief. If there was one thing God would allow me to go back and change, I would never ever make my family upset again by my stupidity.
I guess I have fallen short in many aspects in my life. I just hope that by writing this and with maturity on my side I will try my best to change and truly live my life.
As I lie in my coffin the happiest words I can ever hear one say,
'Because he lived I was able to breathe easier'
Insecurity
"Have you been spending more time with him? Oh so he's good company is it? I am not the same to you anymore now that you know him I guess"
On certain levels everyone of us are insecure. We look at the people around us and wonder what is it we have that will differentiate us. Are we honestly as good as them, as good a friend, as good a lover.
The closer we get to someone, emotionally and even physically, the closer we want to hold them to us. We never want to let them go. We want to rest in the comfort of their smile knowing that we are special to them, we are different from everyone else they know cause we share something special, something intimate. So when we start seeing someone else get closer to them our green horns start to show. We feel threatened. Are we going to loose that special relationship, are we going to be replaced? Our natural reaction is to become possessive.
We are all guilty of this at times. I myself am guilty of this not too long ago. But I learnt something from the last incident and that is this. If 2 people really have a special, unique and intimate relationship no one can ever take that away except the 2 people who share it. Being possessive benefits no one but to stifle a relationship.
A great relationship is just like a handful of sand, hold it to tightly and loose everything, hold it too loosely and the sand just falls out but hold it just right and you'd never loose a grain.
